Would you speak kindly to this child?

It's really not uncommon at all for me to see clients who are feeling anxious and a bit overwhelmed with life in general. They may have begun to feel they are alone in a world where others seem able to easily cope with things that seem to cause them so much worry and anxiety...

Often they are in a situation where they are relying on others to help them or to provide services and when those people are slow or seemingly not giving matters the attention needed things can begin to feel frustrating and out of control. 

Eventually, if prolonged enough the feeling of being overwhelmed can lead to distressing reactions like severe anxiety and panic attacks.  We all know how stressful certain situations can be.  Dealing with a house move or a change of job, minor illness, or children leaving home are all high on the scale of things that can lead to stress and wind people up.  Yet often these difficulties are of fairly short duration, eventually finding satisfactory resolution and any anxiety fades away.  People may seek help during these periods in their life because they are feeling so stressed,  in these cases it is easy to talk things through and bring some perspective into the situation, it can be enormously helpful to learn some coping strategies like self-hypnosis or to just talk to someone who is not involved, a neutral sounding board if you like.

On the other hand there are those who seem constantly stressed and miserable, who may be complaining of feeling life is completely stacked against them and they are ready to tell you it's all their fault these people who on examination seemingly have little reason to feel this way or little going on in their life to cause such a reaction.

Careful questioning often reveals an evidence of a lack of self-esteem,  an internal climate for self-blame coupled with among other things negative self-talk.  These are the people who constantly apologise when there is no reason, who seem very willing to take the responsibility for every misdemeanour happening around them, even where no blame could possibly be apportioned to them.  They will berate themselves, feel stupid or like impostors.  They may, when speaking about areas of life like their careers seem to be describing a sense of dread that they will be 'found out' because they are not as clever as everyone gives them credit for.

It does not seem to matter to these people who tells else them they are good, the boss who gives them a great evaluation or the offer of promotion, friends who say they could not manage without their kindness.  These people simply do not believe the words of others, fearing they are just being ‘kind’ or simply making a mistake.   It's not uncommon to hear people say problems are ‘down to them, they are stupid, unlucky, just not worthy of better'.  Nothing they do is, in their own estimation good enough, jobs well done are just a down to a stroke of luck or a fluke.

There are many reasons people feel like this, often long standing deep seated reasons are at the heart of it.  Hypnotherapy and psychotherapy are great tools to investigate the reasons life feels this way. Yet initially before the work proper begins it is useful to have really simple and fast interventions at hand that can be helpful to get the client moving forward. I give people one piece of advice and it is good for all of us, that advice is to speak to yourself as you would a 7-year-old child.

Ask yourself honestly if you would be as hard and unforgiving on that 7-year-old.  Would you play the blame game with that child?  Would you make that child feel worthless or stupid? Would you down-play the Childs accomplishments telling them it was just a fluke?   Would you expect the child to get everything sorted out right away even if things were not in their power to do so? Would you expect perfection, or would you cut that little boy or girl some slack and encourage them to move on from any self-doubt or worries?  I often ask my clients to think hard about the expectations they pile on themselves, do they really expect to get absolutely everything right first time?

Most clients are amazed at how this simple advice makes them stop and think.   It allows individuals to take that all important metaphorical step back, giving a moment to pause and consider how very unfair they are being to themselves.  I can say honestly in all cases I get the same reaction, the way they treat themselves is not a way they would ever want to treat the child. The tone they use with the 7-year-old is a kinder, more tolerant, a much softer voice. Once the pause for thought has been taken then the work toward change can really begin!

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